When you really need to run...

I sure needed to run. I headed out to the trails to pound out 6 easy miles.. 

I don't even know how to being.. I had it all written out in my head as I was running. Its one of those traumatic moments where life can be taken away without much warning. How each day is so very precious. My father in law passed out into a coma for what seemed like an eternity, but probably only a minute. It was very scary for all. We didn't know what caused him to not be able to respond. His eyes were open, mouth clenched, body went limp and was unresponsive. This happened all of a sudden, right after dinner while we were all sitting around the table. We laid him down, called 911 and assessed to see if he had a pulse and was breathing. Thankfully, we saw him breath and then shortly after he started coming to and was able to talk. Just a bit confused as to where he was at first. The firemen, police and finally the paramedics came to check him out. We think it was low blood sugar instead of high sugar. The verdict is still out till he sees a doctor and is further assessed. It was all very scary at that moment. It's hard to think clearly and remain calm even  when you've been trained on CPR. Thankfully, we didn't need to go that far and do CPR but all the training of what to do came into action. 

I'm so glad it was a happy outcome. That he is okay. It could have been a lot worse. I'm just glad we were with him when it happened and able to get him the care he needed. 

After all that happened last night, really needed to run. To calm myself, process all that had happened and reflect on my own life. How important people are in your life. One minute all is good and the next you never know... you could lose those you love and care about.. just like that. 

I though about my own mom.. How we haven't spoken in I think 7+ years.. I want her to know that even though we no longer speak, I think of her often. I am still hurt, sad and angry over her decision to "let me go". That's probably been the hardest issue I've ever had to face in life. I still love her, she is my mom regardless. I might not understand her point and never will comprehend. I do have to forgive myself, for not understanding her need to "let me go", for spending many years feeling hurt, sad and angry. Running really has helped me on this issue. It just puts everything into perspective. I might never understand my mom's point of view, but I am at peace knowing it's okay for me to have all those feeling, it's normal.. What isn't okay, is staying mad and angry where I want to hurt her back. I feel like I have been dealing with a slow death of my mom for the past few years. I've had time to adjust and move on.. I only wish her the best and to let her know that I love her still, but probably shouldn't... because its by far the deepest hurt I've ever felt and it just doesn't go away no matter how hard I try to get over it.. 

 I'm so glad running is what I found calms me down.. helps me think clearly and make better decisions. This might not be a good decision writing about personal issues with her since she can access this blog just like everyone else. It's my blog.. my narcissistic blog.. so I'll write about what I want. I am who I want to be and will write what I want for me.