I'm use to it... but it still hurts my feelings.

I was smiling until..... 

I am so use to this happening, but it still will hurt my feelings.  I thought I had some gym friends. Guess that was in my own mind. The women I got to know at the gym have kids the same ages, they have similar goals to workout each day.. and we have common interests.. not to mention I see all three women on a regular basis throughout the winter months at the gym. There are only 5 cross ramp machines. Its a workout where you can run and still carry on a conversation easily. I've gotten to know all these women the last 4 years. I've always kept a distance from getting to close or putting in too much into any friendships, because I am the one that's going to be excluded. Sometimes it just takes me a while to catch on. You could say I'm being excluded because I don't put myself out there. In my mind I do. I share my life stories with these women and listen to their stories and ask what's going on in their life. I'm truly interested. It's not like I'm going out of my way to form a friendship outside of the gym, but while I'm there I'd like to have some friends. I'm just not one of their friends apparently as I figured out FAST today. To deal with my hurt I cranked up the speed on the treadmill to run fast at 9 mph.. and then held the speed at 8 mph.. running my heart out. Saying F.. U.. over and over in my mind. Who needs them any way. I'm there to workout and work on ME! What got me hurt? I got there before the 3rd women.. taking her spot on the cross ramp. When that 3rd woman showed up, they were either going to move or have me move. Clearly, I was not wanted.. so I just got off the cross ramp and said I'd move to the treadmill. It would have been nice for them to include me too, but Nope... I figured that would make it less hurtful for me to move then to have them all move away from me. I don't think I was right.. it still hurt. And you wonder why I don't go out of my way to say Hi or goodbye.. you wonder why I keep my distance or don't say anything when I see you. You wonder why I don't smile. This is the why.. It's me..like me or don't this is who I am.. Maybe it's time for a new gym or maybe its time to strike up a conversation with someone new.. I don't believe you need a lot of friends.. you just need a few good ones that will put up with you. If I'm being distant.. its probably because I'm a little afraid of being hurt.. that's all..